A Kiss Goodbye to Summer

As I pack up the last of my belongings that will come to college with me, I realize there’s a certain sadness that has been lingering in the air around me.  It’s not heavy, it’s very slight, but enough to make your heart wonder.

I realize that the person I was as I unpacked my boxes, after returning home for the summer, is not the person I am as I pack up the boxes again.  And the person I return home as next summer, will not be the same person I am now.

And as I scroll through Instagram, seeing posts that exclaim how wonderful summer was for others and how much they will miss the memories, I realize how terrible my summer was.  Yet, I would not change the way it unfolded for the world, and I know I will end up missing all the days I spent in isolation in my room, thinking, and all the sleepless, teary nights I stayed up, thinking, just as much as all the kids around me will miss their wonderful summers.

The long days and nights accompanied by emotional drain, pushed me and grew me in ways I never thought I could grow.  I am sad to leave this person Summer has shaped for me, behind; because the knowledge I gain, the people I meet, and the days I will experience ahead, will change me all over again.

So here’s to you, Summer.  You actually turned out pretty wonderful for me too, now that I look back at you.  You have instilled in me a love for myself, a love for this world, and a love for humanity.  Those three things, I know will never change.  That is why I am not scared, only sad, for the change to come.  Those three loves will continue to flourish, and they will never be as innocent as they are now, and perhaps I am sad to leave the innocence behind.

But most of all, thank you, Summer, for giving me my smile back.2695W (8x12)


On Your Selfish Years

As a college student, I hear, “These are my selfish years,” all too often (especially in the contexts of parties, skipping class, breakups, etc.).  I never really understood this idea.  Why would I choose to disregard making choices that will be of my benefit in the short and long run, for parties or people that will eventually be meshed into a general memory in my mind, just for the sake of making “the most” out of my “selfish years,” or for temporary satisfaction.  I would choose consistent contentment, with bursts of bliss, over four years of temporary happiness any day.

When people claim their 20’s  as being their “selfish years,” do not confuse this with being so immersed in yourself that you are cold to others, that you shut out others who genuinely care about you for people who appear to care, but may not.  Yes, be selfish.  Discover your purpose(s), learn to love yourself, then to love all those who love you.  Create a solid foundation for your future by figuring out how your passions can translate into your purpose(s) and how this can benefit others.  I like to call this universal selfishness.  When you can connect to yourself, learn to be happy with who you are, to follow your heart, then you can start to work on using your passions to benefit this world.  This way, you are not only benefitting yourself, but all those around you.  Recognize that life is about giving, and what you give, is what you receive.  We are all here for a purpose, and we need to start listening to what our hearts want, rather than what others expect us to be.

I’m not saying you should cut out all the fun things 24/7.  Go to that party, eat foods that taste so good that you know it has to be horrible for you.  But be careful.  Everything in moderation, right?  Use caution.  Are you getting wrapped up into things and people that are not of your benefit?  Are your actions and intentions leading you into the direction you want to go?  Do not throw away these years.  Do not let them disappear or slip from your grip.  These are not just your selfish years, they are your building block years.  Use these years to be selfish in a way that you create a platform that you can build on and upward from.  Never be so consumed by the mind that you shut out your heart – you are never too “cool” to lose compassion for others, to not cry, to refrain yourself from learning all you can learn, and to not trust the voice of your heart.

My Personal Connection: Six months ago, I began following what my heart had been chasing, and my mind had been crushing, for my entire life.  In my last post, I mentioned that I was born with the ability to see, hear, and sense spirit.  Metaphysics is a topic that had always interested me, but I feared what my peers would think of me, so for most of my childhood, I shut down this part of myself.  I am certain, now, that because I neglected my deep interest in this field, that it caused me to become lost.

Throughout high school, I struggled to discover what I wanted to do after graduation.  Yes, I knew I wanted to go to college, but, unlike my older sister who knew she would become a nurse, I had no idea what I wanted to pursue as a career. My parents voiced their opinion that I would make a good lawyer or doctor or business woman, but none of those career paths interested me.  However, their opinions swarmed my mind, and I almost thought of pursuing what they thought would suit me best.

But, I applied as a psych major.  Partly because I enjoyed the one psych course I took in high school, and mostly because I had no idea what I wanted to do.  And in beginning and completing my first semester away at college, I still had no idea what I wanted to do, or even if I was down the right path.

Second semester, this feeling of being lost changed for me.  I got out of my comfort zone, and began taking meditation classes to nurture my interest in metaphysics and to learn to control the ability I’ve wanted to develop more  since I have been a kid (Disclaimer: I do not think I am special or any better than you.  Everyone can learn to “read” others.  Like being an athlete, some skills come easier to some than others.  But if you work hard enough, and you really want something, you can achieve it).  A flip switched where I stopped caring about what others thought, an idea that fed my mind, like it feeds many others’, and began following my heart.

Do I know what I want to do now?  No.  But, I do know I am on the right path.  When I got past the fear of what others’ would think of me, and began making decisions that benefitted my heart’s passions, people; books; opportunities; etc. came to me effortlessly. Know that when you have to force something, when you have to push through a resistance, that it may not be for you.  But when you make a choice based on the integrity of your heart, and things come effortlessly that satisfy or make you happy, this is confirmation that you are doing what is best for you, that you are on the right path.

Remember that you do not need to be the person others want you to be.  There are billions of human beings in this world, but there is only one you.  Never be afraid of losing people, or of change because when you begin to listen to your heart and truly follow it, you will attract all the people who will like you for you, along with all the opportunities and assets that will help push you forward toward your life’s purpose.

The Orange Man: An Introduction

Groggily awakening from deep slumber, rising to my knees

Peering through white-washed wood bars, nose pressed through an opening

Orange man with eyes glowing blue

Gazing back at me.

 A cold breeze, and he dissolves to dust, floating away with the air.

Fearless, I allow my head to rest once again on the pillow,

drifting back into sweet dreams.

Interested in what my very first memory was?  I guess it doesn’t matter if you’re interested or not.  Somehow you ended up on this blog post, now two and a half sentences in, and are now about to come to the realization that the first seven lines of this post, was my first memory that I condensed into a poem, 16 years later of course.

At the age of three I had my first visit with an “entity.”  If you don’t believe in what I have just described as my first memory, then I understand as I realize not everyone has experienced the life that I live.  You may have even clicked out of this post by now, and that is okay.  But if you’re still reading, thank you, but bear with me.

(Disclaimer:  I am not trying to degrade religion by any means in the next part of this post.  I am merely discussing it to lead up to what this page is all about.  I think religion is great, in fact, I use aspects of many religions in what I have come to believe.)
For about six years of my childhood, I was raised a Catholic.  I attended Sunday school, was baptized, and received my first communion. My parents gave my sisters and me the choice if we wished to continue our religious journeys. What I learned about the Bible and God never really enticed me, I probably just didn’t understand it (I was 6), so I said, “fuck that,” in whatever little way six-year-olds verbalize “fuck that,” and never turned back.

Yes, at the young age of six I decided I was an “Atheist,” folks.  I proudly announced it to all my friends too, though I didn’t know what it exactly meant. It was the thing that just made the most sense to me.  (I am not really sure how I even had that word in my vocabulary.)  My bug-enthusiast, dirt-loving, knee-scrapping childhood self didn’t seem to have a problem not putting on a pretty dress every Sunday for service either.  I preferred dirty sneakers, blue athletic shorts, and Band-Aids on my knees anyways.


(Just imagine this ball of sass running around proudly announcing she didn’t believe in God…)

 I can’t exactly say I knew what I was talking about when I called myself an Atheist, either.  When kids would ask me if I believed in God, I would stare at them blankly and say, “No,” in my quiet, meek little voice. And so, I thought if I didn’t believe in God, I didn’t believe in anything…again, I was six, cut me a break.

But, I did believe in something, I just didn’t know exactly what this something was.  I’ve always sensed an essence that is higher than us, but did not know how to wrap my head around it as I did not practice the belief of God.

I grew up being exposed to aspects of spirituality as my maternal grandmother is a psychic and medium.  She runs a shop in Salem, MA (Angelica of the Angels) that is based on this aspect of the field of spirituality.  Not everyone believes in this, which I understand.  It is definitely something you have to have a good experience with to rid yourself of the skepticism.

Anyways, I knew she read people for a living.  Literally, I thought my grandmother talked to dead people all day long.  And I truly believed that’s all there was to the field spirituality.  But, how terribly wrong I was.

Being what some call a “crystal child,” I, like many children, grew up seeing, sensing and hearing spirit.  I remember talking to my mom about seeing auras beam off the trees as we drove down the street, and seeing “the man on fire,” in my bedroom (My childhood home is over a century old and once had a fire…FYI).  I remember hearing whispers in my ears and have the feeling of a hand on my shoulder.  I saw orbs and prana. As a kid, I didn’t know what all this was about.  So yes, I did believe in something and new something greater than us existed, but it wasn’t until recently that I began to understand the field and the background behind what my grandmother does for a living.

So, thirteen years later, I have evolved into an unsure nineteen-year-old who happened to stumble upon a deep connection with metaphysical spirituality.  I know what you are probably thinking: Witches! Devils! Psychics! Made-up!  But this is just the stigma that has been built around the field due to falsehoods.  Spirituality has become the answer to all my questions and insecurities.  It is where all my faith and trust now lies. It has opened my mind up in ways I thought once to be unimaginable.  The spiritual journey I have been traveling over the past six months has taught me more about life than my first 18 and a half years ever could.

When you believe in the unseen, when you open up your mind to higher levels of consciousness, you’ll see life has a path for you, and in fact, you are here for a purpose.  Spirituality is love, kindness, trust, and faith.  It provides answers and security in times of uncertainty.  It gives us hope that there is good on the other side of struggle.  It says pain is there to help us grow – not knock us down. I’d also like to note that, for me, spirituality is a way for me to open-up consciousness, to prevent my mind from controlling my actions, and allowing my heart to lead the way.  It allows me to connect with my true self in ways I never thought I could.  You do not need a titled religion to believe in the power of the unseen and the knowledge intuition holds.  The cool thing about spirituality is it is a unique experience, not a direct set of rules one needs to follow.

So, if you asked me now what I believe in, I would say The Universe, or Spirit or the “I Am” presence.  I’m not here to preach to you why you should all convert to spirituality.  To be honest, you are all spiritual in your own way.  Buddha, Jesus, God, whatever religion you put the upmost trust, are spiritual in their own way.  The cool thing about spirituality is it has many diverse perspectives, and not everyone’s experience is the same.  However, it holds a common belief in the fact that there is something bigger, and greater out there than ourselves and typically involves a search for a meaning of life.  You see, while some may find their spiritual life linked with church or a temple, others may find it linked with a more personal sense of interconnectedness and aliveness, or in art, or nature.

I really do not know how this whole spiel about spirituality came about.  I am literally just writing whatever pops into my head and letting my fingertips do the dirty work.  I think you needed to hear about my belief so when I reference it later, you’ll understand it somewhat (but in all honesty I would probably Google spirituality…my explanation could be subpar).

Through the pain I am currently experiencing, I had the urge to write, and so, that is what I am doing.  I guess what I am attempting to do is share with you my experiences of growth, my awakening into this new level of spiritual consciousness and how it has helped me rebuild a sense of self – a sense of self whose inside and outside actually align.  I hope that hearing from an average college-student will bring a different level of relatability to the table – after all, adolescence is the most difficult time in a person’s life, where a search for the true self is in constant momentum. I know what it’s like to enter the “adult world,” not having a clue what the hell you’re doing.  I know what it’s like to lack a sense of self and to tirelessly search for that.   My hope is that you will learn from the path I have begun walking and see, that you too, have purpose in this life – you may just have to search a little harder.  My wish is that you can take all you’ve been through, learn from it, and gain an independent, sustainable sense of self.

The “advice” I am about to exploit you to may not be exactly the answers you are looking for.  After all, the experiences I am about to talk about are going to be a hell of a lot different than what you experience as reality.  Yes, we are all human, but we are also individuals.  I know what I am going to talk about may be relatable to some, and completely off the radar for others.  But the point of me sharing a bit of my life with you is not so you can compare.  I hope you, and whatever you are going through that perhaps made you want to read what I have written with an open mind.  I hope what I have come to learn sparks a turning point for you – sparks a thought that makes the struggle more manageable and worth the pain.  There is no exact blueprint to curing your hardships, if there was, then we would all be walking around like the happiest mofos in the world.  But maybe, just maybe, one person will be able to use this and create some good from the bad.  And that’s all I could ever really ask for.

In all honesty, I began writing this for me, as an outlet.  This is my journey through an adolescent identity crisis and how I was enlightened through meditation and Spirit.  But as I dove deeper into my spiritual path and began receiving messages from Spirit, though personal, I realized these messages were general enough that I could share them with the world.  Whether you are an aspiring businessman/woman, doctor, police officer, lawyer, artist, that just doesn’t know it yet, I believe that what I have learned through listening to silence and getting quiet within, can spark an ah-ha moment in others.